so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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