This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
