so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
