well in DOG beers, i've only had one
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
Randomize
