It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Randomize
