They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
bring money and cleavage
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Randomize
