I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
I only kidnapped one of them. chill
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
