tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize