Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
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