I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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