She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
She's the barista slut.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize