Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
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