the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
Randomize
