like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
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