she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
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