wat bout pragnant strippers??
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
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