i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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