He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
