Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize