the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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