Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
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