I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Randomize
