I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Such a big mess for such a small penis
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