the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
