Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Randomize
