It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
