I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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