I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
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