i dedicated my morning wood to you.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Randomize
