Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Randomize
