i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Randomize
