My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
Randomize
