I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Randomize
