And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Randomize
