how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Randomize
