I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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