so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
