I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
You are the jesus of drinking
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Randomize
