My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
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