so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
