I'm sorry my penis didn't work
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
When did we convert life to cartoon?
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
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