Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
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