Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
