anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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