Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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