Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Randomize
