If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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