Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize
