Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I won't apologize to a one balled man
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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