I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
