Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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