I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
So she puts out... but it wasn't worth it
did you make any bad decisions?
many, i pretty much fell in love with a freshman...it doesn't get much better than that
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize