just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
