You're so nebulous sometimes
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I'm at about main and main street
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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