thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Randomize
