Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
