All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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